Saturday, October 22, 2011

Day 306

Poppet is murdered.

Last night was the school's fall festival. Yesterday was full of errands in preparation. This time, I was gone for inside of an hour. I returned to find her lying on the ground, her shattered wand thrown into the street. She lay in the sunlight, in a litter of smashed pots and cigarette butts.
The gate was kicked open, the small lock broken. Around the house were angry stories---vines torn from the windows, the grill tumbled on its side, other pieces broken. There were no signs of attempts to enter the house. This house can't be entered so easily. At least there's that.
But Poppet lay brutally broken. This was personal.
I know who did this. Breaking up is hard to do, the song says. Breaking up with an unstable person can be dangerous. I've learned that most creative people have oddities. That seems to go with the territory. But some of those people have oddities that run deep. They aren't revealed until they have no more reason to hide them. I've acquired a new phone, changed my other numbers, secured my house.
His oddities include violently blaming others for troubles he created. Now it appears to be my turn to shoulder this blame. In his heart of hearts, I'm not the one he's angry at. This is the stuff at the center of many stories of demons and monsters. A human at war with himself.
And now poor poppet is murdered.

Be careful, dear readers, whom you let into your lives. Some things cannot be uncovered even with background checking. They must be found by other methods, beginning with looking past the glamour of love. I saw signs. In retrospect, I see they were flashing neon ones. I rationalized past them. It's me, after all. Things are different with me. Yes, be careful. Otherwise you'll be where I am now, deeply shamed for my gullibility, blaming myself for someone else's actions.
Or worse.
Poor Poppet.
I carried her back to the spot where she'd stood under the trees and laid her gently down. Her spirit very likely still lives and now I must create a new place for it and see if it moves in.

Take care. Really, take care.


scar*let nguni said...

Wow Lisa, what an AWFUL experience! It's terrifying how twisted some people allow their minds (and hearts) to become... Hope you're ok. And I hope poppet comes 'home'.

Your heed to be careful with who you let into your life resonates so with me - I've made similar mistakes & have spent years licking those same weary wounds of shame. But - we learn discernment from these harsh experiences, we learn to better respect ourselves by listening to our intuitive guidance. We learn. And eventually we look back with intense gratitude for the wisdom we gained - and compassion for the poor broken creatures who lashed out of such scared damaged spaces. Wishing you healing, lasting love & joy, Scarlet x

Melissa P said...

I'm sad for you today, wishing Life's lesson didn't have to be so harsh. Poppets will tell you not to blame yourself for being human. And they're right, though it is hard to heed their advice. Take care.

Syd said...

Oh, Lisa. I'm so sorry this happened. Remember, first, that you can only truly be responsible for your own actions, not those of others--and that even if we think we see signs of warning, it's hard to be sure sometimes that those signs apply to us. That shame you feel is completely misplaced, and not your burden to bear.

Surrounding you and yours with light, with a special dose for Murdered Poppet in the hope that her spirit remains and grows stronger in her new place. And in case you're feeling as broken as Poppet..."The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929. (Ignore the rest of the quotation--this is the part we might all wish to focus on.)

Carrie said...

Oh lordy - i hope you have recovered somewhat from the shock.

Learn, grow, trust yourself and your value.You can not be hurt unless you give permission, and that goes for poppet too. She lives on xxx

lisa said...

Thanks, guys. I'm really okay. In the back of my mind I know I was expecting something. Every little noise wakes me at night (not helping anything) but it was still a bit of a shock to drive up and see a mess like that. I was worried he might be in the house. Afraid for the cats, for the other work in the house. He crossed a line I didn't think he would. Once someone does that, it's hard to know where the line is, or if there is one anymore. Today one of my neighbors came and told me he witnessed some of what happened and would talk to an officer about it.
This act was meant to hurt me by hurting a piece of my work, my identity. In the beginning, he sometimes called me 'poppet.' It was a light-hearted compliment. Later, it was with contempt. And now, this. Hard to take. I think my embarassment comes from the voice saying, "You should've known better." This is the voice of my accuser and it adds "at your age."
(My accuser is a mean bitch.)
Don't worry about me. I think he's in a bad place and a dangerous, self-destructive one. I did see that coming and at least had the sense to remove myself from it when I knew I couldn't fix it. I'll figure this out, but I do appreciate your being here. We learn, we silly humans, don't we?

Anonymous said...

Longtime fan and Poppet lover here...

Take care, Lisa. I worry it might not stop with this.

Sending you love and light and peace-

Lili, once in Ireland, now in Netherlands

crydwynn said...

This sucks, lady. Stay strong and look after kids and cats.

The mean bitch telling you you "should know better at your age" doesn't even know a tenth of what you know about life and love and awe.

spacedlaw said...

Good thing you weren't there, even if the poor Poppet took the blunt of anger in your stead.
Take care.
You should report this to the police.

DavidK said...

Please, take care. Think about all of the ramifications of failing to heed your realization of the falsehoods underlying the "It's me, after all. Things are different with me" mindset. Yes, we silly humans do learn, but no sense making the lessons any harder than they already have been. His actions are not yours to control, nor yours to take credit or blame for. Keep yourself and your loved ones safe - we'd all like to help, but we're all too far away to do more than offer our words and thoughts. And please don't castigate yourself about trusting - without trust there's no love, and we all need both of those to get through this life. Best wishes!

yemamaya said...

Lisa, hon... Its no use saying much, is there? But we all do this. We alwazs console ourselves past warning signs with But-its-me-stuff. We seem to forget that we can all so easily turn from The Soulmate into The Bitch Who Is Guilty Of Everything Gone Wrong in someones head. My problem is that i sometimes sterted belive that. It was THAN that things really started turning ugly for me. Hang in there hon. This too shal pass.There is a bunch of people and poppets who hold you dear no matter what.

Diandra said...

How scary! And yes, hindsight is 20/20.

Shonna said...

Thinking of you and yours. Be safe, be calm and be careful. And don't listen to your accuser - because part of the whole relationship think is trust and trying to find the good in the people we connect with. At least you saw the signs and moved to remove yourself from the situation. And poor poppet - its often the innocent who bear the brunt of the actions of silly humans.

Big hugs

Unknown said...

*Mourning for poppet* I'm so sorry, Lisa... An awful experience, to be sure, but that POPPET was caught in the crossfire... :'(

Unknown said...

Poppets are very protective of their humans, just as humans want to protect their poppets. I am so sorry that your poppet was hurt; I am glad it was not you.

lisa said...

Thanks again. Not to worry. I'm not letting my guard down and I did report it. My instincts are intact and I'll do what it takes to protect me and mine.
I feel Poppet. I will rebuild her body. It will be different. Please send collectors to my shop. Etsy is my sole support and I can only make so many poppets in a week. I'm looking for collectors to buy the larger work, and for an intern to help me make poppets. Leads in either direction would be greatly appreciated. True enough, these days surviving is thriving. It's still okay to ask for help now and then. Artists seem to have a hard time asking. Possibly I'm learning that's not the best plan.
If I'm ever going to get this poppet book written, I'm going to have to learn to ask for help. Apparently, it takes a village to raise a creative project.

linda said...

How awful. *hugs* Sounds like you have one of those people that don't care whether or not they win, so long as you lose. You are wise to be very cautious.

As for the b**ch in your head, tell her to knock it off already. You can't change the past, and beating yourself up over it just makes your present and future miserable. There is no shame in making mistakes. We all do.

Unknown said...

I agree with Lisa. It's intervention time with your head-chick. *fist pound* We'll go totally Chuck Norris on her. You have my full e-support, and as soon as Poppet is rebuilt, I'm sure she'll agree.

yemamaya said...

Ehhh, geography..... I'd LOVE to do internship or volunteer or whatever... If you ever plan to franchise overseas to Europe...:) in the meanwhile I'll just admire from afar, and hope everything goes well with you and your work.

Anonymous said...

Love and hugs. When the harsh taskmistress in your head starts scolding you, remember that, at least at first, we see only what people want us to see. Recognizing what else is there is the big battle, and one that you have won.

I'm glad that you reported it. There is some weird sense in our culture that "women make too much of these things", when in fact women are most at risk from those that they love or once loved. Again, when the harsh one in your head starts taking you to task, remind her that you have protected both your life and Orion's.

Poppet can be resurrected, and will be stronger for the experience.

Stacy Hurt said...

Lisa, this is sad news. But I hear you. I hear you saying you reported it and you are ok and you have secured the premises etc... You are being so responsible and sound. That is all good. I'm glad. But I myself am madder than a hornet and if you said so i'd go give him what for! (and then some) I suppose pity (for him)is really in order yes? Take care fellow traveller.

Drinne said...

I'm in a weird place right now where it's kind of hard for me to say anything to anyone, i'm terrified lately of saying something wrong or saying something true,but I want to say this,

It's like the ripples from the blast radius isn't it? Not the epicenter just the jarring aftereffects.

Somehow knowing they're coming doesn't really lessen the effects.

Be as strong as you need to, but let all the other stuff be there too. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm also sorry I've been so quiet but frequently when I think about saying something I find myself thinking I should say it to you. So thanks for that - maybe sharing that bit with you can help patch over a small bit of the foundation the poppet murderer is trying to break.

The WV is Oroti which seems like it should be some sort of pasta that constellations make to eat with visiting in-laws.

lisa said...

Thanks again, to each of you. Your comments let me know you're there, your words are full of care and good sense.
Drinne: Please don't worry. I know you. You'd have to make a real effort to be "wrong" as far as I'm concerned. It sounds like you've taken a bit too much criticism lately, or that something else has happened to make you doubt yourself. Stop that, please, the doubting part. Too much of you will be lost to the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

Lisa, I haven't stopped by here often in the past year, which I'm really sorry about.

I've no doubt that Poppet will be rebuilt, and that you will rebuild, and be stronger for it. It's a strange road we're all on, at times. I'm just sorry you're having to deal with someone else's baggage, especially when they are lashing out.

~Elaine aka Quixotic

Anonymous said...

Work it well dirty little popet

lisa said...

Elaine - If I'm going to take my own advice (not so easy, she says, sheepishly) I'll tell myself it's simply my turn for this sort of experience.

anonymous:Yes. Life is messy. And then angry groundlings throw dirt at you.