Saturday, October 29, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Fell asleep listening to Mushi Shi. If you don't know it, you might want to.
This morning, sure enough, sunlight paints the view outside my windows. Color magic. I like the grey too. Dusk and Dawn are my favorite times of day. I've painted Dawn. I imagine Dusk will come in its own time.
Still, I don't plan to wait for inspiration to come to me today. I'm going looking..never mind, she's already arrived.
Whatever happens, I'll do my best to step over it to keep pace with her. It's the least I can do to show my appreciation.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Last night was the school's fall festival. Yesterday was full of errands in preparation. This time, I was gone for inside of an hour. I returned to find her lying on the ground, her shattered wand thrown into the street. She lay in the sunlight, in a litter of smashed pots and cigarette butts.
The gate was kicked open, the small lock broken. Around the house were angry stories---vines torn from the windows, the grill tumbled on its side, other pieces broken. There were no signs of attempts to enter the house. This house can't be entered so easily. At least there's that.
But Poppet lay brutally broken. This was personal.
I know who did this. Breaking up is hard to do, the song says. Breaking up with an unstable person can be dangerous. I've learned that most creative people have oddities. That seems to go with the territory. But some of those people have oddities that run deep. They aren't revealed until they have no more reason to hide them. I've acquired a new phone, changed my other numbers, secured my house.
His oddities include violently blaming others for troubles he created. Now it appears to be my turn to shoulder this blame. In his heart of hearts, I'm not the one he's angry at. This is the stuff at the center of many stories of demons and monsters. A human at war with himself.
And now poor poppet is murdered.
Be careful, dear readers, whom you let into your lives. Some things cannot be uncovered even with background checking. They must be found by other methods, beginning with looking past the glamour of love. I saw signs. In retrospect, I see they were flashing neon ones. I rationalized past them. It's me, after all. Things are different with me. Yes, be careful. Otherwise you'll be where I am now, deeply shamed for my gullibility, blaming myself for someone else's actions.
I carried her back to the spot where she'd stood under the trees and laid her gently down. Her spirit very likely still lives and now I must create a new place for it and see if it moves in.
Take care. Really, take care.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Another six a.m. morning, dragging myself up after having stayed up too late working. School will be off track for November. I'll sleep then. The sounds of the coffee maker tell me it's nearly done. That last gurgle and hiss was close enough to Pavlov's bells. I'm an addict.
It's worth it to me, to have this quiet time before I wake Orion and begin this day. I outlined it last night, as I nearly always do, in a list of reminders and plans. I have work to do for the school's fall festival. It's the people who are already too busy who seem to get things done. I see it on their faces. The committee could use some sleep too.
I smell the coffee. I wonder where I'll find inspiration today. Possibly I should take Jack London's words to heart and 'go after it with a club.' The balls glide past, one, two...three, and off again, caught in the current. They're just toys after all. If I'm seeing them as dark sentinels, possibly I won't need the club today.
It's dawn. Here comes the light and color and birdsong. Just like that.
Hope your day is inspired.
Friday, October 14, 2011
I went to sleep at midnight, having stayed awake long enough to put clothes in the dryer and cobble together the bones of another chapter. The moon was bright and round. I wished it a good night.
When the alarm went off at six I hit the snooze and got up anyway. Orion was there beside me, having come in around three. Bad dreams. I waded blearily through a pool of hungry cats to the coffee maker and stepped outside to dispose of the grounds. The moon was bright and round. I wished it a good morning.
I roused Orion with waffles from the toaster and strawberry milk from Nestle. Everyone in my generation knows how to spell 'Nestle.' It's that song. Like the other name my b o l o g n a has.
My heels clicked across the floor. It's a sound I'm getting used to. I've worn stockings more often in the past two months than in the past two years. There's the business of life and the business of art. Both require armour. Sometimes the armour is heels, jewelry and makeup. Remember this one girls-- that makeup isn't about beauty. You're very likely more beautiful without it. Makeup is about power.
I'm off to a PTG meeting at school, but dressed for court, which I'll head to after. The meeting is to plan the October festival. Court is for Pete and me to clean up the mess we made three years ago. It's all good stuff. It all requires energy, and sometimes, heels.
I spritz on a bit of Ralph Lauren, feeling very polished indeed. Not to last overly long--as I'm opening the first can of Flavorful Salmon and Rice, I get a spritz of Flavorful Salmon and Rice juice. Oh good. Now I'm ready to face the world.
I'll be in charge of the photo booth for the festival. Now to decide what sort of image I'll make with holes for fresh little faces. The first ideas to come to mind delight me, but would be sure to make parents unhappy and me no longer welcome at PTG. So to find a balance of sweet and funny. I'll have to leave creepy at home for this one.
In court I had two interesting talks with the DA, who looks distractingly like actor John Hamm. Eye to eye, there was that moment when I knew that he knew that I knew what his concerns really were. We had an understanding. It was a good moment. All in all things went well. We have peace, and two parents choosing the higher road. This is good. Respect can be resurrected from these sorts of efforts.
After was a lovely dinner with my friend Paul. And wine with James Burke explaining how human inventions are connected. He speaks from decades ago, wearing a leisure suit that was in high fashion at the time. His dimples are timeless. Technology allows us this time travel and the programs are as relevant and entertaining as they were then. It's good to feed the brain.
Finally I feed the wild bunch and go outside to enjoy the desert air. The moon is bright and beautiful and I wish it a good night.
That was my Friday. Hope yours was good.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
I've been thinking a lot about early humans. Their lives were very different from ours, but there's every reason to believe they felt the change of seasons, laughed at each other, played with toys. Possibly I'm trying to find a connection from there to the human connected to its devices. Possibly I'm sensing that the definition of what it is to be human is going to change, sooner than later.
Friday, October 07, 2011
Thursday, October 06, 2011
I'm in survival mode. I wonder how well I'm doing, because sometimes I think I'm not doing it at all. I wonder how other single mom/artist types are getting along. I'm guessing if they're out there (and I'd assume they are) they're sort of like me and don't spend the time to seek each other out.
If you're struggling, tell me how you're doing it. I'd like to know more about the company I'm in. It's difficult enough to be an artist. More so in a time when art gets usurped by the immediacy of other concerns. We must step back, we artists (and writers too) and look at our collective long term contributions to this human experience. We may not feel very needed right now, but we are. Don't think for one minute that we're not.
That said, there have been good moments. There are always good moments, even when things are difficult. It serves us well to focus on those and on other people. Eventually, some day in the future, today may make a bit more sense.
On Wednesday, Orion and I got up early, watched the sunrise together in the chilly morning air and joined his fellow students, teachers, parents and city officials for our Walk to School Wednesday.
On Tuesday before that, we jumped into the pool and climbed out as quickly as possible. What a difference a week of cooler weather can make! We stuffed ourselves into neoprene and tried it again with more success.
I'm adjusting to life without Aubrey here. Not only do I miss her company but I miss all her help with Poppet Planet. I haven't decided how to fill the gap yet. In the meantime I'm getting a bit of help from friends here and there. She posted some lovely photos on facebook of herself and Jordan at a lake. It looked chilly, green and beautiful there.
It's very easy to get discouraged, especially after a week of getting up too early and working too late. But when I got in tonight there was a box waiting by my front door. I saw David Kirkpatrick's name on the return and a little spark went off in my brain. I haven't opened it yet, but I know it contains bits of laboratory discards. They'll be packed in protective material, and secreting inspirations and little stories.
I want to be done surviving. I want to disappear into other places and bring back stories. But it's not my time, not just yet. Just like it may not be yours. Don't give up. When the time comes, it will be all the better for the wait. I didn't make this up. It's just the way it works. Trick is, to believe it now. In the meantime, don't forget to laugh. Silly humans.
Is this reason, or faith? Talk to me.