In the studio yesterday I began to show signs of burnout. It was time to walk away. I hesitated, but thankfully, Ben was there to say, "Get Out." For the rest of the day I did nothing more complicated than laundry. Orion and I made a tent of the garden swing and peeked out at the approaching rain clouds.
I braked the brain before it braked me. There was no use trying to work through it. I wasn't sure when I started this work marathon, but I knew, for the moment, it was ended.
To tell the truth, I didn't even know what day it was.
But it was---is-- time to rest and reload. And drink lots of water.
Last night I fell asleep watching the Discovery channel. Pete woke me offering water---I was coughing in my sleep, he said. I'd been dreaming. There had been a weird tornado thing going on and lots of little squares of glass had pierced my cheeks. I was trying to spit them out of my mouth.
Later in the morning there were dinosaurs everywhere. It was sunny and I was dragging the kids inside. The dinosaurs were roaring. I woke again, to the noise of heavy machinery digging up our neighbor's garage floor. It sounded as though our house was coming down too. It sounded like the roaring of very large animals.
sheesh
I spent most of today in a sort of fog. Ben dragged me to a thrift store for books. I mostly stared at the spines. Occasionally something scary would pop out---there were a couple of Pat Robertson books. I did find an old anthology with a Gene Wolfe story I've never read. Well, Ben found it and put it into my hands. I must have held onto it because here it is on the desk.
We had something for lunch. What was it? Burnout can be like seeing a film with subtitles while wearing the wrong eyeglasses---if you're lucky. It can be much, much worse.
But now it's midnight and I'm going to sleep. I think I'll leave the television off.
G'night
4 comments:
Hope you slept well and I wish you a more quiet Wednesday.
Ah, burnout.
That lovely moment when one's body addresses one's brain, and says -
"YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! STOP!!!! STOP NOW!!!!! GO TO BED, GET DRUNK, ROLL IN THE MUD, JUST STOP!!!!!!!!"
It is usually the Last Call before serious physical illness and/or breakdown begins.
It is the Wise One who knows when to pay attention.
Good for Ben.
Good for you.
Wow.
Jordan's Mom has a potty-mouth.
That is so hot.
I was up writing until almost eleven o'clock last night, most of it poetry, and went to bed rhyming in my head. It wouldn't stop. I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking in rhymes. I woke up that way, and rode the bus to work that way (I usually sleep on the hour-long ride to work, but I stayed awake and drove myself crazy rhyming). It wore off after about the first hour or so of repeatedly looking at mice genitalia. It has never happened before, and I'm not sure it it was some sort of "zone" or what, but it was driving me bugshit insane and I hope it doesn't happen again.
So... burn out. Yeah. Mine doesn't even begin to relate, like a splinter vs. childbirth... but thought I'd share.
you have to explain to those who may not have known you for 23 years that "get out" is really "get oooooooouuuuut" with emphasis on the cow sound, followed by a very limp wristed hand turn.
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