Wednesday, June 17, 2009

June sky and sadness

Pelicans. I watched them and gathered up inspiration for new work. That was good.

June Gloom has arrived on the coast, and summer here in the desert. It's too hot now to walk in the evenings, so this morning I set out very early. On the way back home I was surprised to see Gurtie stretched out in her favorite position on a neighbor's lawn. But she wasn't sleeping. Their sprinklers were on.
I gathered her into a blanket and Spencer and I buried her in the garden.


For the past few weeks I've been terrifically burnt out. The year has taken a toll. Of course it has, we're no different from anyone else. We find ourselves working much harder for much less.
I need a break ---constantly in my head.
I need a break.
Now I've got one. Immobilizing. Standing, staring with my hand on the refrigerator door. Sitting, staring at my hands. I recognize grief when I'm in it. It breaks us.
Oh, Gurtie.

I know these things are part of life. I know they happen to everyone. I know that they never happen quite the way we expect them to, or when. We never expect it to be now. And I know there are worse things.

No need to worry or fuss. I needed to write something. It's a cathartic, lonely sort of impulse that readers tend to understand best. It's a good part of being human, that we share our burdens. Some of you were there when I chose to love this cat.

Embracing Gurtie was a good decision. I'm not sorry.
But for now, I'm deeply sad and somewhat numb.
Thank you for being here.

18 comments:

Marjorie said...

((Lisa)) So sorry to hear of Gurtie - from where you found hre it sounds as though she perhaps went to sleep, and then slipped away, peaceful for her.. I do hope that there is some joy for you, very soon, to comfort you in your sorrow.

Stacey said...

I'm so sorry about Gurtie. Love sneaks up on you.

David Niall Wilson said...

I am so sorry. I handle the loss of pets very badly. When we lost our little Maltese Rocky, I wrote this:

http://www.davidniallwilson.com/r-i-p-rocky-rocket-man-the-rockmeister

Gurtie was lucky to have you...

Miss Bliss said...

I'm sorry for your loss but as always the world is better for the love you shared with a fellow traveler in this life. Your generosity of spirit is part of your great contribution and that light shines even when your heart is heavy. Blessed be.

ravyn said...

ohhhhhhh no. Gurtie was beautiful, and i'll miss her presence in your house. Take care of you dear.

Neon said...

I'm so sorry Lisa, its so sad to loose a special animal you share your life with.
Sounds to me like she did what cats do when its time- pick their favourite spot and go to sleep; peaceful.
All my love.

ulffriend said...

I'm so sorry for the pain you have to feel, but am glad that you got to love her. I lost my Husky at age 16 recently and keep reminding myself that the hole in my heart is there to remind me of how lucky I am to know how it feels when it's filled.

She was so lucky to have had a human to make a hole in the heart just for her.

Dunabit said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my girl four weeks ago. The grief still catches at my throat and spills over into the quiet moments.

Your Gertie was loved; that's the best we can offer.

Loraine said...

My Loki died last winter. It was very difficult for all of us...

Syd said...

Oh, Lisa...I'm so sorry. I wish I could offer something more profound than that, but all I can think of is, I'm glad the two of you found each other, and I hope the happy memories can help ease your grief.

Be good to yourself...

Janet said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your Gurtie...how I wish our animals could live longer!

DavidK said...

Our sympathies on your loss. We were very distraught when Abe, our first cat, died two years ago. Nothing prepares you for the hole that opens inside you and in your life and daily routine.

spacedlaw said...

Sorry about your loss. Hugs.

Stormfilled said...

Sad news, I'm so sorry. It's a strange little abyss they leave behind.

Anonymous said...

{{{{HUGW}}}}

Words don't work. Grief is personal. Do it your way, and remember the good things.

kuroshii said...

i'm very sorry for your loss. pets hold special places in our hearts.

lisa said...

Thanks for reminding me of what a great community of humans you are.
Poppets agree.

Alexis said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. But I'm grateful for the joys she brought you, too.