I feel lousy today. Miserable. I carry on, getting kids where they need to go, getting work finished. I did miss an appointment I didn't want to miss. Once, a few years ago, I spouted off in a rant to someone I cared a great deal about. I told him the things I hated about him. It was a litany of what I saw as character flaws, with a list of ways he made me feel awful. It was blurted out in anger, it was cruel, unkind and withering. At the time I was surfing on my own emotions. I felt wronged and justified in my lashing out. I was wrong about that. I've felt ashamed of this thing many times since, but never so much as today. The tables were turned you see, and I was the recipient of such a list.
I was the one guilty of heinous crimes, missteps and misdemeanors. I had to take a hard look into an ugly mirror. And I had it coming.
I think that we don't always understand our own intentions. Sometimes we don't know we're flying blind until we crash into something. The something might be a truth about ourselves invisible until impact. I hope I grow. I hope the damage can be overcome. I hope these lessons will get easier instead of harder.
I'm very tired and very humbly human. And fairly miserable. It's only natural I should be.
I'll sleep and get up tomorrow and try again. I don't see any other option.